Finding Peace in the Process with Sophia Coulanges

Tanya Gill: 00:00:08

Hi friend, I'm Tanya Gill Welcome to lighten up and unstuck your What the fuck. Together we explore the ways through life's stickiness moments, and how to live with more peace, joy, love and gratitude. We're going to talk honestly about what isn't easy so you can discover the light within you that will carry you forward. My friend, this podcast is about you in real life, your body, mind and soul, and the opportunity to not only live your best, but shine, doing it.

Tanya Gill: 00:00:45

Welcome to lighten up and unstuck you're what the fuck my friends. I'm so excited to introduce you to my friend Sophia. In a world where personal struggle is inevitable, St. Martin native and Texas residents Sophia Colanges has diligently conjured up the pieces of her life together in a rejuvenating and inspiring way. She has made a conscious yes spiritual decision to stand in her authenticity, while living in a culture that projects vulnerability as a weakness. My friends, as you're listening to this, I am absolutely certain that this is already resonating for you. That is what lighten up and unstuck. You're What the fuck is about. And that's why I'm so glad to have you here. Sophia. Sophia, welcome. I have to tell you having me, I am so happy to have you here. I have to tell you something, though. I was reading your bio. And as I was reading your bio, I was like, Oh my God, this woman is incredible. She is a go getter. And we have lots in common. So you have a BA and a master's degree in social work. I have a GED, and I have a social work degree. But I know so social workers united sister Right, which also brings us into this whole thing around being impasse, but we can get into that later. But now I see that you're also pursuing a doctorate in human service and organizational leadership.

Sophia Coulanges: 00:02:33

Yeah.

Tanya Gill: 00:02:34

How cool is that, and you're just going hoping to finish December 2022, that's coming up sister.

Sophia Coulanges: 00:02:40

I know. It's like five months away. And I'm nervous and praying that I get through these the rest of these courses.

Tanya Gill: 00:02:49

Incredible, incredible. And in addition to all of that, you're also a life coach. And, and, and you are one of those people who's just so committed to impacting the lives of others.

Sophia Coulanges: 00:03:03

Yeah.

Tanya Gill: 00:03:04

Now, when we connected last time you were telling me about your book, The missing piece, and I really want you to talk to our listeners about this book and what it's meant for you.

Sophia Coulanges: 00:03:16

The book is called the missing piece. And the reason the title is like that, because I went through a season of my life, that I was missing something you ever had like a moment in life, like you're you're looking like, there has to be more, there has to be more out of this there has to be something there's something missing. And originally I thought it was P I E C C piece, but it was the serenity peace, the P E A C E piece that I was missing in my life. And that peace I as I journey through life, I started to understand the more I got closer to that the more I made, that my foundation, the more peace I had to go through the pieces of my life,

Tanya Gill: 00:04:02

achieving the internal peace to feel the pieces the components of life fully.

Sophia Coulanges: 00:04:09

Correct. That's what that book meant to me. I had to find I had to become in an absorb and soak in that piece in order to go through the trials through the highs, the lows, you know, the in between places in lives that when life hits you, like you find yourself like what am I doing here? Right this

Tanya Gill: 00:04:31

Sophia, you know, like we talked about what the fuck moments and I know that in life, we have lots of them. What happened in your life that inspired you to write this book?

Sophia Coulanges: 00:04:41

I remember I was going through a very hard depressive, suicidal stage in my life. I was very dark. One of the biggest things that happened to me as a young girl I got molested as a young girl and so I was really dark. And I needed an outlet. I knew Did my outlet for a long period of time was that I fought a lot. So I was always fighting, just to release the anger. And I remember like, as I got older, I didn't want to be in jail. So I had to find another way. Like clinically, now they call it a coping mechanism. But back then I needed a way to let this anger out. So I started to write. And I remember writing, I remember writing and journaling, and I let 1,000% of myself on paper. And that's when that journey started. Because I noticed how I started to unveil so I can heal. And that process went on, I talked about things that I've buried for years. And I started to notice the freedom that I was getting as I was writing. So that enabled me to keep going that that fueled me to keep on writing, keep on writing. And then I remember one day, I was sitting at work, and I was working the graded night shift. I never, I never wanted my story to be a book, I never wanted to tell my story, it was just my way to release this thing off of my chest. And I just heard in my spirit turning into a book. I'm like, No, I don't want you know, I don't want nobody in my business. I don't want nobody to look at me funny. I don't want nobody to know my deep dark secrets. You know, so I was hesitant. But then I had to remember, it's not about me, the same freedom I'm getting, as I share, as I write is the same freedom somebody's going to get when they read. I am just the sacrifice, the one who had to go through it for somebody else. So that's what was going on in my life. I was in a very dark place mentally, spiritually, physically, I carried how I felt on the outside of me,

Tanya Gill: 00:07:05

Sophia, I hold you in my heart. First i i want you to hear from the depths of my soul that I'm sorry that that happened to you. As someone who also experienced that, I just want you to know that I really honor and, and hold you tenderly as you share that. Because what you've described is a darkness that comes from the secrets a darkness that comes from, from something that happened to you as a child, and the burden of carrying it. You know, you talked about, about your coping mechanisms and how anger you know, you don't want to go to jail, right? Like, you know it to some people that might sound hilarious, but to others. That's real, like, alright, mind of emotion. Once it's buried and buried and buried and buried. It's got to go somewhere because like you said, we are all alike. It's energy. Right? It's all because Sophia, I really truly believe a lot of people are one of the things that I practice and I preach is the power of journaling, the power of a pen and paper and writing that shit out. And I argue that with a pen and paper it is more powerful because there's an actual energetic transference from your brain through your body and out. However, right however, however, someone writes the process of slowing down enough to be able to actually sit and be with some of that emotion can be transformative and healing. And exactly this is it like this, the healing process for you. Right and then as you like you were talking about you were revealing to heal. And as you were revealing these layers and healing along there is so much that others can receive in healing themselves by hearing that story. Gaming what you've been through,

Sophia Coulanges: 00:09:18

and I that's that's my goal, because I understand how it feels to build voiceless to feel trapped. To feel trapped, you're screaming for help, but you have no sound. The one thing the worst thing is to have a breath but no sound. And that was me in those moments going through those dark episodes, those pieces of life those different seasons, the highs, the lows, the in betweens had a breath, but I had no sound to ask for help.

Tanya Gill: 00:09:56

What would you say Sophia were some of the biggest struggles that made it hard to have a sound with the breath.

Sophia Coulanges: 00:10:06

feeling vulnerable feeling that somebody is going to take my, the things that I share and use them against me. Were being raised in a culture where every is your business, you keep it to yourself, you know, like, that's our business. And that's it. So I didn't want to expose some of my hurt, because I was trying to put on this facade that I had it together, put on this mask, that it was alright. So I had to come to a conscious decision to free myself from that free myself from the opinion of others, because I had to give a voice to myself. Because everybody else's voice became my voice became my identity. But that was not who I was. So I had to silence the voice of everybody else, and start to tap into the sound of my own heart. And my own beak, in my own breath.

Tanya Gill: 00:11:21

As you started to do that, how did it impact the relationships around you?

Sophia Coulanges: 00:11:27

A lot of people said I was doing too much. A lot of people, you start to see people's true colors and true. Like, there's a scripture that says, like, only God knows the heart of man. And when you start to do the internal work on the inside of you, that starts to shine the light on different people. Some might be negative, some might be positive, but the negative one hurt the most. Because they're the ones you would have thought were going to support you in this journey of making this conscious decision. Like hey, my healing matters. My Peace matters. I no longer want to be stuck to this stuff. Never like girl you doing too much, girl why? Just leave that girl you'll be alright, you'll be fine. You've been making it all these years, you will be okay. No, I wasn't okay. And that's the lie that we grow up. Even as adults. We grow up with this lie when somebody asks you, Are you okay? Yes, I'm doing just fine. When you're not okay.

Tanya Gill: 00:12:36

In you know, as Sophia I have I have, I have the true meaning of the word fine, right? The true meaning of the word fine is fucked on the inside nice exterior, based in DC, we're fine. We are telling people, I don't really want to give you a piece of me and you don't want to hear it anyway. So let's just pretend that everything is fine. Correct. You know, and, and, and, you know, it's, it's interesting, because as you were talking about, as you were talking about your experience of those some of those relationships and how God shines a light on different people. And sometimes it hurts, and sometimes that helps. And, and it is all about that learning. And I've had the exact same experience. I mean, I had people where I've had relationships that have fallen away in the process of of my own experiences. And it doesn't mean I love them less than me right now that space can't be held together.

Sophia Coulanges: 00:13:40

And that's the thing that we have to come to a conscious decision to understand. But it's so hard, who doesn't even want the friends that you had for 12 years, who doesn't want those friendships you you you had for 10 years, you know those childhood friendships, who wants those things to break off. We don't have the hard truth to really settle in for it. But then it's choosing that or choosing to give yourself a sound. In that moment that matter to me more, I was tired of being everything to everybody else and nothing to myself.

Tanya Gill: 00:14:19

everything to everybody else, and nothing to yourself. So if you have absolutely been there, I completely understand it. And actually, I think I really truly believe that. A lot of our listeners who are in helping professions or helping fields will also understand a little bit of that too, because you know, the process that you you used to find the missing piece, if you will was also the publishing of your book. But the book was one modality of your voice. It started I was speaking your truth to your immediate world. And, and before that, it was being able to speak your truth with yourself. And trust your voice. You know, and that's that really powerful piece, I think, you know, both of us were both so passionate about women arriving at a place of really, truly unconditional love of themselves. Yeah. And, and having that space to know that their voice is valid.

Sophia Coulanges: 00:15:37

Their voice matters. And I'm starting this movement called her voice impacts. I just did a conference, and may 25 did a conference called the voice behind the mass.

Unknown: 00:15:54

And

Sophia Coulanges: 00:15:56

that was my first conference. And I believe that that was my truth, unveiled by the voice behind the mask. What does that voice sound like, when you take off that mask, when you take off the fears, when you take off the hurt when you take off the arm, okay, when you take off the arm, finally, you take off the I got it all together. But on the inside, you're screaming for help. When you take off that mask in standing, the authenticity of who you are called to be, what does that voice sound like. And my message to the woman at that conference was like, without breath, there is no sound. So you have to understand the meaning of the breath. Because if there is no breath in your being in your lungs, you can't have a sound.

Tanya Gill: 00:16:49

And and that breath is and you know, the thing about that is is that well breath happens naturally, when we are intentional about it, is when we create sound. Correct? Right. So it's it's about having the intention in your life, it's about having that really centered approach to being in you to start with.

Sophia Coulanges: 00:17:19

And a lot of the a lot of is dealing with my faith. Why I had to come to the understanding. In the beginning, the Bible talks about like, God breathing breath into our being, right, so we became, and without that breath, we were just nothing. Right? So I had to understand is that breath that I stand on is that breath that gives me meaning to live, give me purpose to live, give me purpose to become

Tanya Gill: 00:17:50

alive. When we're talking about becoming I remember, last time we spoke, we had a conversation about feeling like an outsider within your own family sometimes, and how that impacted you so deeply. And as you were saying that I was thinking about, you know, having that connection with God, and also the people around you that have created some static and some struggles in your life.

Sophia Coulanges: 00:18:22

That that was the hardest thing. Because it's like, okay, like, how do you put these people they're supposed to take care of me, but they're the one who hurts me the most. And as I grow up in my faith, as I mature in my faith, I have to come to the understanding is grace is extended. And then also, they're dealing with things that I might not know about. I just have the tools. The difference between me and them is because I now have tools that can help me navigate through my trauma to through my situations through my the pieces of my life. That's the difference. So because I have now those tools, right, I have to now extend the grace Yes, because that will make me no less than them. Well,

Tanya Gill: 00:19:23

and and it and the thing is, oh my god, Sophia, you were just learning on my heart so deeply because, you know, again, you and I, as human beings having human experiences may be a little further along in our path, and may be called to inspire others by being a little more public. But that doesn't mean that we're fucking perfect. You know, like, seriously and as you're describing that, I've had so many people who have heard my podcast about trust is you speak your truth and that's where I talked about my experience. So I'm sharing my sexual abuse by my father with a loved one and it not landing well. And I've had people come to me and reach out to me and say, like, like, how are you like how this must make you so angry and it and some people really want me to arrive at a space of anger? And, you know, like you said, we, you and I, and I hear it in you. And I know that I say this for myself, because I don't I don't have any interest, desire, connection to anger, hatred, disdain, I love my family. I know my truth. And I recognize that their experience of this maybe needs to be different for them right now, because they're not as far along in their own journey. Correct. And that is grace. That's what it is. That is what it is.

Sophia Coulanges: 00:21:04

That's what it is. And Grace looks different for everybody. Because not everybody comes to the same level of maturity. Right? So that that's why we can't allow people to turn us into what they want us to be. That's why we have to be able to stand in the authenticity of who we are. Because in that we know, I'm not carrying anger. It takes too much stress, it takes too much away. To be angry officer. You got a frown where you get in the room, you were happy before you got it. You got in the room guy you frown. Are you mad, you don't even know why you mad? It's fine. It's too much. Right? It's too much.

Tanya Gill: 00:21:58

It's true. It's true. Anchor takes a lot of energy. And it's like, and and people think you know, I had a conversation with a friend the other day about happiness. And people are like, Oh my god, are you happy all the time? The answer is yes. And no. Correct. Like, I have moments. And I'm sure you do too, where I'm like, life is so good. And then I'll have a negative thought. And I'll dip and then I'll correct and then I'll come back up. But it doesn't mean that we all live in frickin rainbows and unicorns in fart flowers. It's the awareness of being able to visit that darkness briefly and see it for what it is, and realize you're still healing it and then come back to what serves your highest good.

Sophia Coulanges: 00:22:48

And that's that's the secret right there. Feelings are like waves. Every time they come you ride the wave, but you don't stay on a wave a wave doesn't last periods of time. Always have to catch the other way. So when feelings come Yeah, I have moments of sadness. Yeah, I have moments of anger. I just do not act on my anger. I just do not dwell and allow that sadness to handicap me. I don't like allow that anger to help me make my decision. That's the difference.

Tanya Gill: 00:23:25

And when you have that anger, if you if you're in a space where you need to be with it, do something with it and process it. Like be the next Sophia and write your book. All right. In the meantime, read her book, read how she processed her anger and her energy and the challenges and turmoils in her life to arrive at a place of authenticity searing series.

Sophia Coulanges: 00:23:57

It's been the journey and it's still a journey. Arriving arriving I think is always made like you have to get there. No, we're still journey. It's a process.

Tanya Gill: 00:24:11

And till until that last fucking breath. Right

Sophia Coulanges: 00:24:21

until that last breath.

Tanya Gill: 00:24:23

It comes back to the breath friend.

Sophia Coulanges: 00:24:26

It's always back to that breath.

Tanya Gill: 00:24:28

Always back to that breath. Oh my god. You know what people are going to want to know how to get in touch with you. I will make sure everything is in the show notes but if somebody wants to jump on their phone right now and find you or their book, what is the best thing to do?

Sophia Coulanges: 00:24:43

Okay, the best thing to do to find the book on amazon.com in the book is called The Missing Peace. It's P E A C E Peace and you can find me on facebook and instagram with my name Sophia Coulanges which is C O U L A N G E S on both of those social media platforms. Send me a message DM me I right back. I respond. I am not that person. So yeah, definitely and you could check out my website sophiacoulanges.com

Tanya Gill: 00:25:19

Oh, Sophia, you're so good. You're so awesome. Oh, you know what my friends I am so glad we had an opportunity to chat with Sophia. And I know that you are going to be fast friends with her just like I am. I hope you've enjoyed this podcast episode with Sophia go check her out. And from the bottom of my heart. Awesome. I love you.