Getting Beyond Breaking Down with Caitlin MacTavish

Tanya Gill: 00:00:08

Hi friend, I'm Tanya Gill Welcome to lighten up and unstuck your What the fuck. Together we explore the ways through life's stickiest moments, and how to live with more peace, joy, love and gratitude. We're going to talk honestly about what isn't easy so you can discover the light within you that will carry you forward. My friend, this podcast is about you in real life, your body, mind and soul and the opportunity to not only live your best, but shine doing it

Tanya Gill: 00:00:46

welcome Caitlin, I'm so happy you are here. Caitlin, for listeners who don't know is someone who's very dear to me. I have known her for almost how many years? Caitlin 25th years on Sunday, it'll be 26 years on. Caitlin is my goddaughter. But for and in addition to being my god daughter, she reached out to me for some life coaching because she was moving through some pretty significant things in her life. And when she reached out to me, I was very concerned about that personal and professional boundary. And in this case, we made a little bit of an exception because you found yourself in quite a WHAT THE FUCK moment and and reached out. Caitlin, do you want to tell us a little bit about your What the fuck?

Caitlin MacTavish: 00:01:44

Yeah, I have a timeline here actually for it.

Caitlin MacTavish: 00:01:48

So it's been a couple of years of my waterfox building motorways, we're in 2020 right now. So I'm 26. My parents got divorced in 2019. After what seemed like a really healthy, wonderful relationship, which I've come to learn was actually just my mom working her absolute ass off the protector fell really hard, because at that time, when they did get divorced, I had just recently got engaged. So engaged in December, they got divorced in March. And that was really, really hard for someone to come into a marriage, or to go into marriage to after seeing what you thought was a perfect marriage fall apart, super unexpectedly. So we moved through that I supported both parents. Through that, I slowly had my eyes opening a little bit to just how much my mom was protecting us. And then in June of that year, my partner had a suicide attempt. Very thankful that he's still here with me. He's worked very, very hard to get better and more confident self can become just such a wonderful man. Through all this, still dealing with my father realized realizing more and more and more how much he doesn't align with my values. I got married in July of 2020. Great pandemic wedding, so much different than what we thought Tonya associated. And that was the best thing. One of the best things is the whole entire wedding made it so special for us.

Tanya Gill: 00:03:23

It was an honor, and to be able to celebrate with you and have such an important role. Thank you, Caitlin.

Caitlin MacTavish: 00:03:29

It was the back. And then from that time on in July, I just spent so much time realizing what kind of man my father was. And then in April 2021, there was a bit of an incident with a lot of lying, but involve my sister in him. And it just, that just threw me for a complete loop. And I that that is where I finally spoke out and I said, I'm not okay with how you're treating us. I'm not okay with how you're treating your support system that people who have gotten you through your divorce. And as I finally started to look at my life a little bit more. I had a really, really, really hard time looking at it. And I spent probably an entire month crying every single day. And then one day in the shower, I just had like a full mental collapse.

Caitlin MacTavish: 00:04:27

And I told my best friend and I said I need to do something about this. I need help. So it's got me in therapy. So that was in May.

Caitlin MacTavish: 00:04:44

I did therapy from probably made to December it was a really fantastic experience. She helped me a lot with you know, just creating boundaries realizing what I needed. He helped me paid a little bit of separation from my dad, but also communicate with him about what I needed. And every time I would communicate with him, I was just I just felt like I was talking to a wall. I wasn't getting anything back. So therapy was helping me. But I felt stuck. I felt stuck in my position of just I don't know what to do with my life. I'm okay, some days not so Okay, other days. And then I reached out tell ya, I have a trip to see her in August. And that was really great. And I got to see what she does. And it was beautiful. And then in September, I was like, No, I have to take this journey for myself, too. So we started coaching in September. And by November, I had ended my relationship with my father. And by November from September to November, I had turned into such a different person. And I found so much peace and joy back in my life, and I started taking care of myself,

Tanya Gill: 00:05:59

Oh, honey.

Caitlin MacTavish: 00:06:03

And I can say now completely, completely different from where I was. It's been the best experience of my life. Exactly what I needed.

Tanya Gill: 00:06:22

My love, I want to honor you for sharing this. I think that there are a lot of people who can relate to that experience of growing up in a family where things maybe weren't what they seemed. And it is because one person or both people in that primary marriage relationship, shielded their kids from what was really happening. And for you to move into that space, and then also be in that in the excitement and the beauty of planning a wedding and all of that, like, oh my gosh, like that's so huge. That's so fucking huge, because you're like, This is what I thought I wanted to create. And now all of a sudden, I'm realizing I actually don't want to create that. But I now need to figure out what what we are going to create moving forward. And as you're trying to figure out what you're trying to create moving forward with your new partner and with the love of your life. His own mental health stuff is also creating a different layer for you. Yet, and as that was happening, you were suffering mostly in silence.

Caitlin MacTavish: 00:07:50

Oh, 100%. I kept quiet for years, but we go 2019 to April 2021. So we'll say March 2019 to April 2021. I stayed silent. I helped everybody about myself. I did not like myself. I just was there to help everybody else and anything to do with me. Very backburner.

Tanya Gill: 00:08:15

And I you know what, Caitlin, I think that that's a really easy way for us to live. I know that those of us who are empaths, those of us who are sensitive, those of us who are natural helpers, it because it also fills us up to be there for people. And we and so there's that thing where we give, give, give and then we realize that we're actually not giving anything to ourselves in the process anymore. And like, you know, you talk about backburner, like that backburner place and coming to that realization? It is scary, like you were talking about your break down in the shower. And, you know, I think that a lot of people can relate to having that break down moment, or have a total fear of that fucking breakdown moment. And thank God, that you had your best friend to reach out to saying, God, you started therapy. Thank God, you started to step into a space where you were ready to recognize that you wanted more.

Caitlin MacTavish: 00:09:25

Mm hmm. And what?

Tanya Gill: 00:09:27

Oh, no, no, please.

Caitlin MacTavish: 00:09:30

Oh, just didn't say and now. I get so much more from helping who I need to help because I'm not draining myself. I've learned to keep my cup full with my own love for myself and doing stuff for myself that when people need help, or they need to come to me for something, it's just so much easier and it's not a burden and it doesn't weigh down on me and it doesn't leave me empty.

Tanya Gill: 00:09:54

And that's so fucking inspiring and I can I know exactly what you're doing. Talking about, but how do you get there? Like, this is the thing, right? Like, I think a lot of people sit there and they're stuck. And they're like, Fuck, I want to feel that I want to feel like when someone asks me to do something that I genuinely want to do it, and I get something from that experience, but I'm so fucking drained right now, how do I get there? And you know what, like, you talk about, like stepping intentionally into loving yourself. And, I mean, I know that you're a part of the self love adventure. I know that the work that you've done, but I also know the play that you've created for yourself, right? Like, just does stepping into loving yourself have to be hard and painful. It's kind of odd.

Caitlin MacTavish: 00:10:47

No, like, really? No, no. Like, for me, I didn't realize how much my soul and mind valued, just time for myself, like that is how I rejuvenate myself, doesn't matter if it's five minutes doesn't matter if it's 30, it depends on the day. But if I can give time to myself, whether it be a meditation, whether it be a workout, whether it just be reading a book, going for a walk by myself, so it's one of the ways that I felt for myself until my self love, and it's something that refreshes me every single day.

Tanya Gill: 00:11:23

So you've actually made yourself a priority.

Caitlin MacTavish: 00:11:26

Yeah, crazy enough.

Tanya Gill: 00:11:31

Whereas for as little as five minutes a day, it sounds really like an infomercial for as little as five minutes a day, you can love yourself by going for a walk. But you know what, like, Holy fuck, Kaitlyn, it actually can be that simple, right? Surely that simple? It really can be that simple. And, and you know, like loving yourself means paying attention to what you need. Mm hmm. Right. And it also means having a direction. Right? So when you have a direction, you have some kind of plan, whether it be a plan for the day or a plan for the week, or in our case, kind of an overarching plan for 90 days.

Caitlin MacTavish: 00:12:12

Mm hmm. Right?

Tanya Gill: 00:12:15

What's the value of having that plan been for you?

Caitlin MacTavish: 00:12:19

For me? Well, especially with iOS and infomercials, but with your program, I find it super beneficial. Because I get a 90 day plan, I get a weekly plan, I get a daily plan. And for me, having a 90 day goal is very, very attainable, because it's only three months. So three months is easy. Three months is far enough that you can reach it, but small enough that it's not overwhelming. And then your weekly goal just breaks it down to break your 90 day goal. And then your daily goals. align with your weekly goals which align with your 90 day goals. And for me, that just works.

Tanya Gill: 00:12:54

So okay, so I think that's cool. And this is definitely not intended to be infomercial at all. Are you comfortable sharing, like, what your 90 day goals are, for example,

Caitlin MacTavish: 00:13:07

this time, I have a weight loss member, I got a I want to meditate all 90 days. I want to read 12 books, which is also something I've stepped back into and absolutely love for myself. And I want to leave my 90 days feeling grounded and confident.

Tanya Gill: 00:13:25

Wow. Okay, so that's. So when you look at those 90 days, you can just list them off, how can you list them off so easily. First of all, like seriously, like how

Caitlin MacTavish: 00:13:37

I love the really wonderful thing about this plan is that every single day, I have to write out what my 90 Day goals are. So it's always there. You can't forget them. You're looking at them every single day. So it's also it's very motivational to see that every day because sometimes you write like this big beautiful genius plan, put it in a notebook and never ever look at it again. This puts it there for you to look at every single day and keep pushing yourself forward.

Tanya Gill: 00:13:59

Okay, so what excites you about those things that you've set for yourself? So let's say the weight loss one Okay, so weight loss is a number and and people who know me know that I really fuckin see the scale as a tool and nothing else. It does not define you in any fucking way. Any shape or form. It is just a bunch of fucking numbers that says the wind is not going to blow you away as easily because gravity is helping you. So let me what how does the weight loss number excite you?

Caitlin MacTavish: 00:14:41

Possibility excites me. And for me, the number is stepping into a healthier life for myself. So as I watched that number go down. No matter how slowly it goes down, it goes down. But the things that I noticed around my numbers like how I feel how my heart reacts like when I do cardio and stuff like that, how my clothes is fitting all of that. That matters so much more to me. So the number is great. It's exciting. And it's motivating. Yeah, but then all the other things do that. Go with working towards that number. Feel so, so good. Ah,

Tanya Gill: 00:15:20

so it's less about the number the numbers the quick check in, but it's how you Yeah, yeah. Cool. Okay. So when I hear that you want to read 12 books, I think to myself, Oh, my God, like, if I don't think I could actually. And I could read that many books. So for you, I hear excitement because you love reading for me. I think Oh, my God, that's a to do list that I would feel like I need to tackle, right? So how is this something that you really want for yourself?

Caitlin MacTavish: 00:15:51

Well, so this is my second around 90 days. My first round, I want to get more, get back into reading. So I set a goal of three bucks. I read 16. Now I'm going back into school. So in April, so I had to set a more realistic goal because you know, and I'll take time for school. So 12 books felt realistic, but also so, so exciting. It's just, I've fallen back in love with it. It's something I always did as a kid. And then I just stopped. When I stopped loving myself, I stopped doing things that I love doing. And it's just a creative side for myself. It puts me into a different world. And it's just it's magical. Like it's so exciting.

Tanya Gill: 00:16:36

And it's become a priority for you. Yeah,

Caitlin MacTavish: 00:16:39

the super big priority. Like My poor husband, somedays. He can't get me off the couch this book, like absolutely no tests. I don't care if you want to play games or watch movie. No, I have to get through the book.

Tanya Gill: 00:16:53

And it's interesting, right? Because that is also about you honoring what you need, right? People to say no, and say, you know, I love you. I need this right now. It doesn't mean that my book is more importantly, you it means I will play a game with you. When I finished this chapter, or, you know, it's it's not to the exclusion of you, but it's i i need this for me too. Yeah, right. Okay. So you've got, you've got the weight loss goal. You've got the book goal, the meditation goal. That's an interesting one. So you've set yourself a goal to meditate all 90 days. Now. Here's the thing, perfectly imperfect. Here's me. I'm like, and if you want to do it 90 days, and you don't do it 90 days, are you gonna beat the shit out of yourself? Because that's not the point, right?

Caitlin MacTavish: 00:17:51

Oh, not at all. And I've already I've missed one day. And it is what it is. I'm human.

Tanya Gill: 00:17:59

So why, what do you get out of meditating every day? Or why is was this a goal that excited you? This is an interesting thing, too.

Caitlin MacTavish: 00:18:08

When I started my first 90 days, I absolutely hated meditating. And so I have a binder in which I can for my first 90 days, my teeth, and I can go look back at my pages and like my first week of pages is like oh my god, meditation just so not for me. Like I don't have the time he says it's gonna be good for me. So I better just stick with it and keep trying it. And then like, I probably hit the one month mark. I'm like, Man, oh, man do I quite enjoy. This absolutely just gives me time to be out of my thoughts. I feel like we're always so in our own brains. About everything. I'm such an over thinker, I was always unable to sleep, I would be up thinking all the time. I don't think I've had one of those nights. Honestly, truly, since I started meditating, because I make it a priority. Almost always meditate before I go to sleep. And then I try and do meditations throughout the day as needed. Like I find, I also have pretty high anxiety. So I find the anxiety meditations are really helpful. Because it's time to clear your mind and we don't get very much peace in my mind. And it's a really, really, really nice feeling.

Tanya Gill: 00:19:20

Yes, it really is. And I think that and I appreciate I appreciate your honesty around your resistance. Oh, totally. Because I was resistant to like, oh my god, I used to say I'm not a meditator. I would have oh my god, Caitlin. For years I had psychics mediums tarot readers always telling me the same fucking thing. You need to meditate. In fact, I had one tell me that I needed to stare at a candle and I was like, fucking like I had a reaction to this. You need the stillness of meditation. And so when I started to step into it. I was so resistant to it. Absolutely. Like, I was like, This is bullshit, as much fun bullshit. And then I realized, like, oh my god, meditation doesn't have to be sitting in a room for 25 minutes. It can be a walking meditation, it can be laying in bed, you know, five minutes before you go to sleep and paying attention to your breath. Or it can be going and sitting on a toilet after a really brutal meeting, and taking some breaths and just fucking being for two minutes, five minutes, three minutes.

Caitlin MacTavish: 00:20:41

Yeah, do that at work often. Right? Yeah.

Tanya Gill: 00:20:43

And it can be so grounding, right? And, and what's interesting is, you said that the reason these goals are important to you, and part of that the overarching goal is to just continue to feel more grounded. Right. And so all of these things are things that you've identified as being important for you, because they do lead to feeling more grounded. Right? Absolutely. So, um, you know, I have another question for you about this whole process. Because life does keep happening, right? And, and, and we just kind of never know what's coming. And that's the reality. So, um, you know, in, in your experience, if you had a piece of advice to someone around, like, how can you how can you start loving yourself a little bit more, just like, right today? What would you what would you say to them? What could they do right now, like, let's say you're sitting with your best friend, and she's the one who broke down in the shower, and she comes to you. And she says, I need to start loving myself a little bit more. And you're like, Okay, here's what you can do. Right, talking now.

Caitlin MacTavish: 00:22:02

I feel like there's just like, so many things, though.

Tanya Gill: 00:22:05

But what's the first thing that you would say to her?

Caitlin MacTavish: 00:22:09

Right now, the first thing in my mind, and one of my biggest things that I love to take away is sit down. Really think about the things that you do actually like about yourself, and cherish those i That's like one of my favorite parts of the program is every single day, I'm quote, unquote, forced to write three things that I like about myself or love about myself. And it's been so eye opening to because it's just stuff. Who in the world truly makes a habit of that without being forced to who does that not many people. And when you have to I'm making air quotes, because, I mean, you don't have to do anything. But when you're doing a program, that's one of the questions every day is that you just have to look at your life and go no, like, I am actually pretty goddamn awesome. And these are wise. And that's it. And I think it's so beautiful and so empowering and so magical every single day. I love it.

Caitlin MacTavish: 00:23:09

I you know, I I just love that you said that. I had a conversation with someone really recently about how hard that is, and the resistance to it. And I know when I started building this program, and I started writing down what I liked about myself every day, it was fucking hard. Oh, it is very, like it was really hard. And I always suggest to people who struggle with that is if you can't think of something that you love about yourself or you even like about yourself. Start with a statement I am and do an affirmation. Right. So my affirmation and my the truth that I stepped into every single day is I am loving light. I am loving light. So you know what if, if you don't know what you like about yourself, or what you love about yourself in that moment, start with the affirmation. But then you can always go on to anything else you like about yourself. Right? But it is not the time when you get that opportunity to play small. Like you're, you're sharing this with yourself, you're not you're not standing in front of an audience of 5000 people saying I owe whatever, but you should be able to Right,

Caitlin MacTavish: 00:24:38

absolutely

Tanya Gill: 00:24:39

you will too. And it starts with being able to say to yourself

Caitlin MacTavish: 00:24:44

Yeah, that's exactly what I was gonna say. I think that's one of the beautiful things about the program is that you start with saying it to yourself, but I feel more confident now being like, I'm a leader. I am driven why out of ideas right at this exact moment. Right?

Tanya Gill: 00:25:03

I get it. I get it

Caitlin MacTavish: 00:25:05

things right. Like, I can say that and that's okay.

Tanya Gill: 00:25:08

I am smart. I am strong. I am beautiful. I am confident I am deserving. I trust myself

Caitlin MacTavish: 00:25:18

I'm growing to love myself more and more every single day.

Tanya Gill: 00:25:22

I am growing to love myself more and more every single fucking day. Oh my god. And just like that, go ahead and fucking shine girl. Go ahead and fucking shine. Okay. Caitlin, I appreciate you so much. Thank you for sharing space with me and with our listeners and having just a really beautiful conversation and and for sharing your story and the challenges and the truth that you have moved through and continue to move through. You know, that's, that's the other thing is, is the things that have happened in the past are in the past. And it is a piece of letting go. But it's also recognizing that it brings you to where you are now. And and we can honor that. And we can have empathy for how hard it was. But the you deserve to love yourself and and you deserve to be loved because you are love. We all are love you.

Tanya Gill: 00:26:34

I adore you. And I am so grateful for you. Thank you for sharing this space with us and our listeners and from my heart to yours. Thank you so much Caitlin, for being you know, I love you.

Caitlin MacTavish: 00:26:48

Thank you for having me.

Tanya Gill: 00:26:49

Thank you, Caitlin, and thank you friends for listening. Your time is precious, and I appreciate that you chose to spend some of it with me. I absolutely honor the space that you're in and want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart. If you have any ideas for future shows or want to drop me a line and let me know what you thought of this one or any other one. Feel free to reach out to me on the socials. I am at perfectlyimperfect.WTF on both Instagram and Facebook. I'll see you there.