Mothering & The Art of Self-Love

Tanya Gill: 00:00:00

Welcome to the trifecta of joy. My friends, before we get started, let's take a moment, I'm going to invite you to put your hands over your heart. Take a deep breath. And repeat after me, I am okay. I am safe. I am loved. Today, I want to talk to you about mothering. Mother's Day has recently passed. And I know that Mother's Day brings up a lot of stuff for a lot of people, it can be a time of celebrating our mothers, it can be a time of being celebrated as a mother, it can also be a time for grief for some people. And that's about recognizing that a relationship that you once had may not exist, it may mean that you have lost a mother by way of deaths, or by way of divorce, or by way of disease. I mean, right now, my own mother in law is palliative. And and after having had a stroke, you know, it's day by day. And so there's a degree of loss around that relationship and that mother in my life as well. And so I guess what, what made me realize I wanted to talk to you about mothering today is because mothering is something that is quite a strong word. I remember at one point in my life, someone said to me, you are mothering, you're smothering, you're suffocating. And then I was told that I was controlling. And you know what, in some ways I actually completely own that I was controlling control was a measure that I used to feel safe. Absolutely. And you know, mothering is something that I don't necessarily see as being a bad thing. When I was thinking about mothering, I decided to dig into the psychology dictionary, around what mothering really means. And in that sense, and the psychology dictionary kind of broke it down into three essential elements, the first element being emotional warmth, the second element being personal care, and the third being sensory stimulation. So now, where I want to go with this is this, we have a lot of feelings around what it means to be a mother, to have a mother to want to be a mother to not want to be a mother. But in reality, if we exist in this time, and in this space, at some point, we have had a mother. And we may choose to be a mother either in the sense of actual biology or another way of showing up in the world. So I want to talk about that. So let's talk about what emotional warmth is because emotional warmth is something that children need in order to thrive. And emotional warmth is that genuine affection. It's that coddling it's the caressing, it's the holding, it's encouraging. It's, it's that when when kiddo falls off the bike, you encourage them to get back on and try again. Right? It's admiring and saying I'm proud of you for the job you just did or good for you for trying or I'm so excited that you gave this a shot and learned something from it. Right? And and it's also reassurance, emotional warmth, is that reassurance in a world where things are uncertain, especially as a child, that it's going to be okay. And as a child. Emotional warmth means that feeling of being loved and accepted and wanted as a basic ingredient to being a piece of humanity. And so, of course, when you think about that emotional warmth, it's very, very easy to think of it in terms of how one applies that to a child. But what if we were to flip the switch a little bit and, and consider how that mothering and those elements of emotional warmth, aren't just It's the responsibility of a mother, or your mother, or my mother, or an anyone. The reality is, is that that responsibility is all of ours. And it's a responsibility that we need to consider giving ourselves. That is that is that thing that sets up that magical piece of? Can you give yourself that genuine affection? Can you give yourself that warmth? Can you give yourself that sense of security and encouragement, and reassure and reassure yourself, when things feel hard or difficult, or challenging and unknown. And, well, we often try to feel that love and that acceptance and that wanting to feel wanted from others, we also need to have it for ourselves. And so, you know, this, this podcast is really about not just mothering others, but also taking a look at what it means to Mother yourself. So one of the second elements of mothering is personal care. And so of course, that's kind of easy. When we're talking about kiddos and babies, it's like, you know, feeding a baby when it's hungry, changing its diaper when it's dirty, making sure that it's got enough clothes that that baby has enough clothes on and that they are warm when they need to be warm or cool when they need to be cool. And keeping them comfortable. Without creating a fuss and

Tanya Gill: 00:06:48

creating so much drama around stuff that it's just personal care is personal care. And personal care also means being able to provide to a child for example, and, and create a space where if they are distressed, or they are anxious, that you can support them so that they can adapt to that situation. And be okay in that situation. And then hopefully, in future situations, right, we model that for our children through mothering. Now, here's where I like to like to flip things around a little bit. Personal Care is a part of our lives every day, we shower, we get dressed, we brush our teeth, we move our bodies, we provide ourselves with healthy nutrition, those are all elements of personal care as well, right? And those are elements of mothering yourself that you can give to yourself, as a mother or as someone who is not a mother. The reality is, is that whatever you received, as a child, may or may not have met your needs. And some areas of your life may your needs may have been met to the max and you're like I had the best mom in the world. And in other areas, you may find that there were things that were lacking. And some of that may have been situational. Some of that may have been relational. There are lots of reasons why that happened. But we can we can get tied up in the why. Or we can get real about okay, you know what, if these are things that I lacked, these are also things that I can give to myself now. It's it doesn't have to be an all or nothing. It's, I'm going to be intentional to give these things to myself now. And we have the ability to love ourselves and give ourselves that acceptance and help ourselves feel wanted and tend to our own needs around hunger and comfort and feeling able to move through that anxiousness or distress and adapt. We can teach those things to ourselves. And we it's a practice, and we give it to ourselves every day. It is an absolute practice. Now remember, the third thing I said was sensory stimulation. sensory stimulation is interesting because when kiddos are little, the sensory stimulation that we want to give them are things that are going to awaken their experiences and give them more opportunities to grow and see and experience the world. Right. It is really about the senses. It's about touch, smell, taste, movement. It's about how you interact with the world, what you experience in the world, how you internalize it, and what experiences we have that create that sensory stimulation. Right? So is it walking in mixture? Is it dressing warm? Is it feeling something soft, or sipping something warm as I take a sip of my tea, right? Reality is, is that sensory stimulation is really, really important. Because what we know is that for children, if they have sensory deprivation, it can cause damage. So here's the thing, as an adult, as a human being having an adult experience, now, you still have the responsibility to give yourself those sensory experiences. Right? Now, when we think about babies we create, we create connection through laughing and eye contact and giggling and humming to the baby. And we know things like walk, standing and doing the rocking thing, I still find myself doing that at the grocery store. My kiddos are 16 and 19. And yet, there's like a sensory piece of calming when you just kind of do a little bit of rocking. So you know, those are all things that we've provided, or that have been provided to us, or that children get as sensory stimulation, sensory regulation, as we help children grow and develop. Now, my question for you is, how do you use sensory stimulation in your life? To take care of yourself? Are you engaging in things that bring you joy? Are you engaging in things that give you some newness, some freshness, some areas to grow, and learn and expand and try new things. Because here's the the reality is, is that when we give those opportunities to kiddos, we give them so that they will grow and develop and continue to have an expansive life. And that life isn't over once they turn 18, or they're no longer children, what, what we need to do is to make sure that they understand that they have the ability to do that for themselves, just like you have the ability to do that for yourself. And so you know, like with this whole mothering thing going on, I wanted to talk about this, because when it comes to relationships with mothers, a lot of people have complexity, I have many clients who have complex relationships with their mothers or their fathers. And you know what I'm talking about when I talk to you about that sensory stimulation and about personal care. And when I talk to you about emotional warmth, I'm not saying that those are just the things that mothers do. Those are things that we universally do to support children as they grow up, but also things that we do universally to continue to support ourselves. And sometimes we forget that these are things that we can do for ourselves. Because we get tied up in some of the stories, right, the cultural stew that says, I missed out on this, or I didn't have this experience, or, you know, this happened in my life. And we want to sometimes blame our mothers or blame ourselves for not being mothers. If, if, for example, you are someone who is trying to get pregnant. You know, I've I've spoken to so many women who have challenges with infertility, and a big piece of that then becomes about how they feel about themselves. And so my reminder to you is that when you have the opportunity, the gift, the moment of now, this is your opportunity to say okay, you know what? How can I provide that emotional warmth to myself? How can I give myself some genuine affection and feel loved and accepted and wanted by myself? Instead of expecting it or needing it or searching for it from someone else? Where do I get that for myself? How do I take care of myself personally, that may be something as simple as shaving your legs. Or it might be something as complex as recognizing that. It's time for a big shift in the way that you are approaching either your diet or your movement, or different aspects of your life related to your health. Personal Care is a personal journey as an adult and personal care in my world right now is many different things including eating well and eating regularly. Really, and moving my body in ways that I love, and also seeking medical assistance because of challenges that I'm facing around anxiety and depression. So that personal care is not something to be ashamed of. It is a part of life. And it is a way for you to show up for yourself and continue to grow. And so, at the end of the day, when we look at the emotional warmth, and personal care, and sensory stimulation, it's really important to remember that we are the ones who drive the bus of our lives. And even though our inner critic may have the backseat may have the side seat may even be reaching for the steering wheel. Sometimes, we actually do have that ability within us to love ourselves, to step into what brings us joy, and to take those tiny steps just like children learning to walk, to take those tiny steps to create more independence, more self confidence, more self assuredness, and more self acceptance in wherever we are in our lives.

Tanya Gill: 00:16:25

mothering my friends is not a bad thing. And it is not exclusive to mothers. Mothers mothering is the way that we show up in a lot of ways in our feminine archetype as a nurturer. And we often nurture other people. And the point of this whole conversation is to remind you the value of nurturing yourself. Because here's here is why we must nurture ourselves. When we rely on other people to provide things for us all of the time. Then if that isn't there, we feel less than we feel depleted, we feel inconsequential, insignificant, unimportant. And that is not the truth. The truth is that who you are, is determined by who you are, by you by your soul, by the decisions that you make mind, body and spirit in your life. And so how do you show up for yourself? You know, I'm, I'm being totally honest, we're moving into self love summer, I am taking on a project putting together a guide book called self love rebel, because I believe wholeheartedly, that we are ready to step into that. And I also know, with my whole being, that it's not anyone else's responsibility to make me happy, it's my responsibility to make me happy. And no matter what I'm going through, I can find those moments. And I can find the ways forward to regulate myself and to step bravely into what season I am in, what season you are in. And, you know, when I opened this podcast, I invited you to put your hand over your heart and take a deep breath. And say, I am okay. I am say, I am loved. Those are the things that we wanted to hear from our mothers or did hear from our mothers so that we were able to continue to take those steps forward. And you know, I'll tell you, right now, here's what I say. Good coaches have great coaches. And I personally right now am working through a coaching program with none other than Mel Robbins. And I love her and I adore her and one of the exercises she said today was that was so powerful was that hand over heart of I am okay. I am safe. I am loved. And it is simple. It's what we want to hear from others. It's what we can give to ourselves. And it's a piece of mothering, whether you are a mother or not, that you can give to yourself. So I don't I I think that often we associate mothering in a negative connotation. And there is the the reality of the smothering mother that does exist. But real mothering is about that emotional warmth, and that personal care, and about that sensory stimulation and about really, truly feeling loved and accepted and wanted. And feeling loved and accepted and wanted by yourself. And for yourself is such an important piece of living your own whole authentic life, my friend. So, today, I just wanted to talk to you a little bit about this. Because wherever you are in your journey, Mother's Day just passed. And I know that it brings up things for a lot of people. And I want to remind you that whatever you have received, is what you have received, we can't look in the rearview mirror and try and change the past. And we don't have the ability to say, you know, expect we don't, it's not fair, it is not fair to expect to expect others to change for us. It is our responsibility and our privilege to make the choices for ourselves. Now, funny enough, I funny enough, I saw this meme, the I saw this meme that I'm going to share with you. And it says, if you're wounded, mom's Higher Self could speak to your conscious self. And it's a vintage photo of a woman looking at her child and saying, I'm not going to heal and wake up to my truths in this lifetime. But you will, you have all the codes to make it all happen for your soul. And then you'll raise the frequency for the collective. And I thought that was just so incredibly powerful, because that's exactly it. We are in that space of being sacred rebels, we are in that space of changing the narrative. And part of changing that narrative is recognizing that our mothers may not have been able to face all of their truths, or for their own reasons for their own resilience have not been able to be what maybe we thought they could or should have been. But we have the ability to be what we choose for ourselves now. And in making that choice for ourselves. We also have the ability to make the choices forward and to change that legacy to actually change the codes, if you will, that relationship of self love, and trusting ourselves and having that impact for ourselves so that we can change it for the generations forward as well. Whether we have children or not, we are impacting others, by the way we show up for ourselves and then we show up in the world. So my friends, mothering, it's a complex. It's a complex issue, if you will. And lots of people say they have you know that we all go to therapy because we've got mothering issues. Well, you know what, here's here is what it's about. It's really about you. And I, I'm just here to ask you. How are you showing up for you? How are you providing yourself with those things that mothering a child is essential in and is essential in continuing on as a healthy, thriving, beautiful, growing, evolving adult in this modern world. That is what being a badass rebel is that is what being a self love rebel is, being a self love rebel is really saying, all right, I recognize what I need. And I am going to find the ways to provide it for myself in either big changes or little incremental steps. I always say that, that everything that happens that is successful, powerful and meaningful change happens 1% at a time. So today, maybe it's going for a walk today. Maybe it's sipping a cup of tea. today. Maybe it's giving yourself five minutes of admiring what you have completed today and how you have shown up today. That is that emotional warmth. Give it to yourself my friend, give it to yourself. And and don't forget that there are so many beautiful things around you and we move through life so full of our head in our heads that we don't even recognize how beautiful The world is around us. So give yourself the gift of some of that sensory stimulation in order to be able to calm yourself in order to get yourself grounded. And to remind yourself that you, my friend, are worthy. You are worthy of self love. Okay? I've had my little chat about mothering. I'm sure there's going to be lots of comments about this. I just, it was really important to me that I have a conversation with you about it because of where I am and the process that I'm in, in working through right now. And also, because I've recognized that so many of my clients are also in places of really needing to find the way forward, remembering to Mother themselves and care for themselves, and make peace with what their past has been, so that they can move into the next season. With more power, more confidence, more strength, more self assuredness, and most importantly, more joy. So my friend, thank you for listening.