Infertility and Possibility with Sarah Willoughby

Tanya Gill: 00:00:00

Welcome, my friends, I am so grateful to share my friend Sarah Willoughby, with you. Sharing Sarah with you means so much to me because she's written a beautiful book called infertility saved my life. And I know that that title may sound a little bit unusual and maybe a little bit odd. But Sarah actually, I purchased the book and she very kindly mailed it to me. And it is a really beautiful and vulnerable story. Sarah is a transformational life coach and infertility coach, a best selling author, she's a speaker and also a Reiki practitioner and energy healer. And at the end of the day, she is so incredibly passionate about empowering people to heal, and love themselves and achieve more to transform their lives. Sarah guides her clients to reconnect with themselves and find the answers that lie deep with them. So you know, and I both know that Sarah is someone who needs to be here and with us. Welcome, Sarah.

Sarah Willoughby: 00:01:09

Hi, Tanya, thanks for having me.

Tanya Gill: 00:01:11

I am so happy you are here. I am so happy to share you with our audience. Your story is really quite incredible. And with your permission, I would like to just read the beginning the introduction. Absolutely. So the title of the introduction is life begins right now. Your soul has all the answers. You just need to be brave enough to listen. It's dated April 2009. I want to cuddle mummy. I know Isaac, I want to cuddle you too, but it hurts mummy too much. I'm sorry, darling. physically unable to reach my son's small body or hold him in my arms. I gently kissed three year old Isaac's cheek as he was carefully lifted close to my face. How I loved the feeling of a soft skin against my lips. I wanted to savor this moment forever. Isaac's big brown eyes looked deeply into mine. We didn't get to see the giant teddy bear together. It's not far can we go now Mommy, please. I still wanted to visit it with you, honey. But I can't move. Fear flashed across Isaac's face and his eyes filled with tears. When I get better, Isaac, I promise I'll go see the teddy. I'll take a photo and send it to you. Okay. An eerie silence filled the hospital room as the enormity of what was happening, began to sink in. Now, just hearing that gives us an idea that something enormous is happening, Sarah, what was happening.

Sarah Willoughby: 00:02:55

So I'd been on this crazy journey through secondary infertility, I'd obviously heard of Isaac and had no reason to believe that I was going to struggle to have a second or third child. But life had other plans for me. And I went through a lot of loss and grief and trauma trying to complete my family. And that page is taken from where my story really piqued switches, I'd gone over to Norway to go through IVF, which was the option that the doctors had sort of presented to me as a way to try and help me have another firm another baby. And it went disastrously wrong. So my body overreacted to the drugs. And I ended up with ovarian hyperstimulation, which is very, very rare. And what that means is that you're you basically react to the hormones that you're given when you go through an IVF cycle. And just before just after that moment, Isaac walks out of the hospital doors and returns back to the UK because we'd actually gone over to Norway to do the treatment. And it really began to sink him for me. There is nothing the doctors can do to stop my deterioration. They can only treat each symptom as it or what you know, as it arose. My son's walking out the door, I may never see him again. That was such a pivotal moment in my life. But one that actually led to a whole transformation for me and a new life over in Australia. But at the time, it was very scary. In terms of what was happening to my body. My body just filled up with fluids. So in about 72 hours, I put on about 20 kilograms of fluid. I had an enlarged heart. I couldn't breathe properly. I had fluid on my lungs. I was at risk of blood clots. And it was very, very confronting the physical pain was extreme. Morphine didn't even touch the surface. You know, it didn't even it was just incredible. And it was also an incredible image. emotional journey as well, on a mental journey. In fact, my the room that I was staying in, after I'd come out of intensive care, became an abortion clinic for young girls. And so I was the irony of that wasn't lost on me that, you know, it's almost as if the baby had been put in the wrong body sort of thing. And they were at a very different stage in their lives. But I had to watch all of that unfold every day, which was very difficult emotionally. But it became a very big mental battle, to get through that time to put into practice, the tools and techniques that I had learned to be able to cope with the physical pain and what was actually unfolding for me.

Tanya Gill: 00:05:47

It isn't enough to be, it isn't enough to be as ill as you were, and, and literally hanging on for your life, because you don't know what is to come, like you said, but also to be knowing that that physical separation with your son was happening, and also the emotional pain of everything that was going on for you. How did you cope? How did you do it?

Sarah Willoughby: 00:06:16

Fortunately, I had gone through some hypnotherapy, to help me through the IVF cycle, just the natural emotions that you go through the physical impact of an IVF cycle, it's very hard on your body. So I was able to draw on some of the meditation CDs that she had given to me. So I had an iPod, you know, back in the day, and listen to listen to some of those through that. But I'd also studied meditation for quite a few years before and mindfulness. And it really was that that I was able to distance myself, it was almost like as having an out of body experience, I was able to take myself away from what was really going on, because I knew that if I was fully present in my body, that I would actually freak out that I would really start to over analyze what was going on. So I was very calm throughout most of it, apart from through one procedure where the pain just got too much. And I ended up screaming in pain and asked them to stop. And I think that was the first time that they realized the enormity of how physically challenging this was for my body.

Tanya Gill: 00:07:28

How long were you in hospital for?

Sarah Willoughby: 00:07:31

In the end, I was only in for about 10 days. But it was a very long, 10 days, once the process actually begins to reverse itself. If it if it does, it happens quite quickly. So as quickly as your body fills with fluid, once you once the process starts to reverse itself, then you just weigh a lot, basically, and you just get all of that fluid out and your kidneys start working and properly. And then the pain is relieved, because you're not carrying all this pressure, you're not at risk of all these other things. So they did, they did release me a little bit earlier than I think they planned. But that was because they had other people that were kind of needed my bed that were really, really sick. And at that point, I was starting to recover. But I hadn't even I think the furthest I'd walked was down to see the teddy bear, which was not very far away, I'd gone in a wheelchair and then had a bit of a walk. And I would walk around my room because walking helped to release some of the fluid from your body. But I literally just walked around my room and that was it. And then I was presented with the Ultramar you can go home. And you know, I hadn't even got dressed I hadn't had a shower for you know, 10 days, none of that wasn't eating properly. And they said you can go back to to the UK, which meant a flight which meant you know, being very close to a toilet because I was just constantly weighing, which is not easy when you're doing a trip. Luckily, it wasn't too far away. But we'd gone to Norway in the first place to try and take some of the stress and pressure out of the IVF cycle to try and have a holiday afterwards to give my body a chance to to set itself up for success. And fortunately, we had taken my mother in law over with us as well. And she was able then to take my son back to the UK when it went disastrously wrong. So that was very, very hard. That was the longest time that I'd been separated from him and he was still too young to understand what was happening fully, but did understand on another level. And that played out for him when we went back to the UK and he had a phobia of not going you know, not wanting to go outside.

Tanya Gill: 00:09:42

So not wanting to go outside.

Sarah Willoughby: 00:09:45

Yeah, that was how it manifested for him. But who still remembers he's 16 now and he still says that he remembers seeing me in hospital. He remembers those images or see me in hospital and knowing that I was really really sick And obviously that was how the fear presented itself to us when when we got home.

Tanya Gill: 00:10:07

And I think, you know, it's important not to minimize that you said it was only 10 days, however, the infertility journey has been your life, really, in many ways. And, and what what I, what I sense is that, that, that 10 days for you was very, very traumatic and very, very hard, not just for you physically, but emotionally and spiritually and also for your family. And so, I sit here, and I see your beautiful book, and, you know, infertility saved my life, healing PCOS from the inside out. And I know that you are passionate about this. So why did you decide this book needed to be written? What message are you? What message are you passionate about sharing?

Sarah Willoughby: 00:11:03

My main motivation is just to break the silence surrounding infertility, there is so much silence and stigma and shame. It's a journey that I went on behind closed doors, I felt very isolated, I felt guilty that I was experiencing the emotions that I was experiencing, because I'd already been blessed with a child. And some people are doing this without having any hope that they body can carry a baby or healthy baby to term. So I really just want to shine a light on that it's something that impacts so many people globally, yet, it's something that we just cannot talk about. And that really does need to change. And particularly with with COVID, and IVF cycles being canceled, and people just feeling like they've lost hope of that happening for them. Time is so precious. And I really just want to be there to be a voice for those people who are unable to use this and say, you know, I see you, I hear you, I understand what you're going through all your emotions are valid.

Tanya Gill: 00:12:04

When, again, all of your emotions are valid. You know, I've, I have friends who have had struggles with infertility, I know people who have been through IVF, both successfully and unsuccessfully. And and you talk about that stigma, and I think it takes a certain level of courage to even tell people that you're going through IVF, because you are getting your own hopes up, and you're getting the hopes of others up. And then there's also an element of judgment that may or may not come with that as well. Did you feel experiences around judgment around any of this?

Sarah Willoughby: 00:12:51

I felt judgment from people who have a belief that if you can't conceive naturally, then that's just God's way or you know, it's just, it's just the way that it should be. And you should accept that. My counter argument to that is, it's just another part of your body that isn't working. So we don't say to people who've got, you know, problems with their heart, I'm sorry, your heart's not working properly, we're not going to fix it, you've got problems with your eyes, you can't see you can't wear glasses. Now, we don't do that. So why are we not supporting people to be in the best place possible to be able to have a baby, it's a biological urge for a lot of people. And that's the thing that I don't understand and have never understood. And that biological urge doesn't change just because you've got one children, you know, one child or two children or three children, if you don't feel that your family is complete, and you're still struggling to conceive, there should be that support available physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually to be able to help you to support you to be in that best place possible.

Tanya Gill: 00:13:51

Absolutely, absolutely. And that's why I think that books like this are so important, because you do share a very emotional, vulnerable side of your story and your journey through it. But but your book is one of hope. And it's one of possibility. And it's one of living authentically, and and kind of an embracing what is without without putting hope on the shelf. And so, you know, what, what message do you have to women who are listening or men, families, people who are listening who are in this space of infertility and struggle, like I have lived it on the sidelines with friends and I mean, it's hard enough the hormones you have to take terney I'm just gonna say it I've seen the hormones you have to take turn you wildly crazy. Yeah, like everything becomes extra sensitive and, and, and then and then it's like The experience one of my friends had was she actually felt like she was a visitor in her own body and in her own emotions, as she was going through the process. And then when it didn't work, it was like, What the hell? Did I do all of that for? You? What is the point? And, you know, I got my hopes up, the people I love got their hopes up. I was crazy in the process. So, you know, what do you say to people who are like, is it worth it? What What how do we get through this? What how do we? How can how can I say that infertility saved my life.

Sarah Willoughby: 00:15:41

I think for me, one of the big realizations that I had was that it wasn't just a physical journey, you know, the medical world is so focused on the physical aspect. For me understanding that it's a mind body spirit connection, understanding that there is so much more going on in that journey that we can be in charge of, we can I put my life on hold, for all those years that I was trying to have a second child, you know, on the on the hope that I would be pregnant, on the hope that I wouldn't have another miscarriage on the hope that I you know, because I'd had a difficult first pregnancy, I'd had awful 24/7 sickness, as I call it. So there were lots of things that I didn't want to do. So I would encourage people to still live life, I put my life on hold, I wasn't present in my own life, I was always thinking about my journey to have another child. So my advice would be to do those things that bring you joy, to balance out the emotions of what you're going through. If you have to shedule it in and force yourself to do it, do it, because it'll fill you up. And it'll give you those emotional reserves to be able to face the next challenge, to be very present in your life to learn how to get still to quiet and the monkey chatter that is going on constantly. That's something that we all deal with, regardless of what we're going through in life. So for me, connecting with nature, going outdoors, going for a walk, taking my socks and shoes off and just grounding, listening to music, meditation, mindfulness, all of those things, for me, were my support network when I didn't have any anything else or anybody else to draw on. So I'd really encourage people to do that for themselves, to do the journey in the way that they need to do it. And if that means saying no, to engagements, to party, birthday parties, you know, whatever it is that you just don't feel like you want to show up for, put yourself first, because it might be a birthday party for a friend's child that you're out for a couple of hours, but you'll deal with those emotions. And that that feeling of loss and grief, maybe that can be very triggering for weeks afterwards. So really protect your own space, set boundaries. Find your tribe, find those people who can support you who understand the journey, who can be there on that roller coaster with you alongside you. And that may not be your family. It wasn't you know, for me, it was a support group of people who were also trying to conceive. Now obviously, you have the problems that some people are going to concede before you and you have to be able to manage that effectively within the group. So that's communicated well and with empathy and care. But I really wish that I had prioritized myself and my needs to be able to get through that. And realize that there is always a bigger picture playing out for me, the reason that I've caught my book in facility saved my life is a play on words, it saved me from a life that lacks resonance. I was stuck in the corporate world, you know, it's been six years at university, I'd worked my way up the corporate ladder working in HR, I'd got there. And I wanted to leave but I didn't know how. And this journey through secondary infertility, gave me the biggest kick up the bum and forced me to do that in the end. And and led to a beautiful life over in Australia. And two more beautiful children that I was told I may never have. So there is always more going on. Than we can see we can only see that one piece of the jigsaw puzzle at any one time, the universe, Spirit God whatever you believe in whatever you want to call it, can see the whole picture and we just get shown one piece at a time. And if we can come back to trust, we can come back to our heart we can come back to our inner knowing. Then whatever happens we will be okay. We will find that strength from within to get through that

Tanya Gill: 00:19:58

Is that inner knowing that inner trust, and, you know, in in some ways, it's interesting because as you're talking, it kind of breaks my heart that, that you shared that you, you know, struggled to be present in your life as you were going through it because this was the the preoccupation or the occupation in your mind all of the time. And that, and then as you talk about finding your tribe, it's so so important, right? Like, there are people in your life that aren't going to understand, but you need to find the people that do. Yeah. And then that other piece of trust, right, trust in yourself that whatever puzzle pieces in front of you has a purpose, and also that there is a bigger picture. Now I know that you're a very spiritual person. And so in that realm of spirituality, how did you build that ability to step into that trust you more and more and more in the difficulties you were in?

Sarah Willoughby: 00:21:04

For me, I was blessed that I had seen my little girl, I'd seen my baby and my dreams and her meditations. And I could feel her so close to me, that I knew that she was there. And I knew that regardless of all the medical odds against me and what everybody else was saying, and the fact that I'd had, you know, one miscarriage, and then I lost twins, just before I came out to Australia, I'd had this

Tanya Gill: 00:21:31

deep knowing that

Sarah Willoughby: 00:21:35

there was at least one more baby for me. And, again, that had been because I built that really strong foundation itself, that deep connection, that stillness, that being able to sit in silence, learning how to do that, learning how to just let the thoughts, you know, quiet, and trying to get those space between our thoughts bigger than all the mental chatter that was going on, that really did meditation saved my life, it really did I, I will get on the meditation soapbox, you know, until I die, because I really want people to, to try to explore that. And it doesn't have to be sitting for 30 minutes every day, it can be just two minutes, just focusing on your breath, where you feel like in your body, and just having those moments of peace and stillness, because there's just so much craziness going on through that journey.

Tanya Gill: 00:22:37

Wow, Sarah, thank you for sharing that. I, it's it, I absolutely love that you're talking about meditation. Because for years, I had different spiritual people in my life and psychics and etc, etc, kept telling me that I needed to meditate. And I might, my response was, my brain is too busy, I can't, I would say I can't meditate. And then I realized, and it was like a light bulb. It was like, I realized that I believed that I had to be perfect at meditating. And real reality is, is that all the meditation is presence and breathing, and letting the flot thoughts flow in and letting them flow away. And that can be like you said, for two minutes, or it can be for 20 minutes, or it can be for two hours. But it really just starts with making that choice in the moment. And so I one of the things that I tell people, and this is something that I personally do, probably overshare but that's Tanya Gill, she over shares. Like, when you go to the bathroom, and you sit down, like brief, actually pay attention to your breathing while you go to the bathroom, and then just sit there for an extra minute and breathe. It is unbelievable how grounding a couple of minutes can be, especially to what you refer to as the monkey mind. The monkey mind can take us down all kinds of dark roads and all kinds of dark holes and into all kinds of dark places that actually we don't really want to be in and where we don't belong. And so it's that space of like, opening and allowing. And, and so, you know, I just really hope our listeners are hearing you say listen, like some of the darkness that I stepped through is a result of simply breathing. Yeah. And I

Sarah Willoughby: 00:24:44

just want to put some context around that you know, you spine it so beautifully. Don't think friends are shares that we have between 60 to 70,000 thoughts a day. 90% of those are repeated from the day before. And 80% of those are negative. When you put those statistics out there, it makes you realize that we've just got the same stuff just regurgitating in our mind over and over and over again. And most of it is negative and most of it is repeated. No wonder we're exhausted, right?

Tanya Gill: 00:25:23

Share those stats one more time for our listeners.

Sarah Willoughby: 00:25:27

So between 60 and 70,000 thoughts a day? Yep. 90% of those are repeated from the day before. And 80% of those thoughts are negative. We're already every day we're already starting from a place of I don't want to say failure, because I don't believe in failure. But we're starting from a very low vibration. Yeah. And when we realize that, and when we realize that what's going on our mind is not often the truth. It's just a thought.

Tanya Gill: 00:26:01

But we trust

Sarah Willoughby: 00:26:01

our minds, which was so much more than we trust our heart.

Tanya Gill: 00:26:06

And actually, oh, man, we could just go, we could run with this forever. Because you know, the language that we use within ourselves, we often say, you know, the way you talk to yourself is never the way you actually speak to a friend, right? So you know, that you're saying that 80% of the 90%, from the day before, is now is negative? It really is like, you know, if we think of everything in the world being energy vibrationally starting your day about talking or thinking about what you don't want, right? And what you can't do, and how things won't work out. How does that set someone up for success? Right? So it's really paying attention, having the awareness of those thoughts, and, and being conscious in if you want to spend the time figuring out where they come from great. But if you don't even want to do that, it's like, wait a second, how's this serving me? And what is the counter to that? That is probably a lot more grounded in the truth. Yeah, absolutely.

Sarah Willoughby: 00:27:13

And it's all in the same way that you go to the gym to get fit. This is a muscle that we can practice, we can use, we can train every day. And we won't always get it right. I've been meditating for years. And I have some shocking meditations sometimes. But it doesn't mean that I don't go back and try again the next day. It just means that I sit with that without judgment, because placing judgment on top of disappointment doesn't doesn't help anything. And I have another go. tomorrow's a new day.

Tanya Gill: 00:27:43

It is practice, everything is a practice. And the good news is that our bodies actually breathe automatically. So all you're doing is taking something that's already automatic for us. And being a little more intentional around it, because you're paying a little more attention to it. Right? Absolutely. And there's so much power in that. Now. Sarah, I know our listeners are going to be like I need more of Sarah, I need more of Sarah, how do I get more of Sarah? How do people get more of Sarah? I love

Sarah Willoughby: 00:28:22

that question. So people can connect with me through my website, which is Sarah willoughby.com.au. I'm also on LinkedIn, Sarah Willoughby, 2019, Facebook and Instagram, Sarah Willoughby, Australia. So basically, we just search my name and you will find me. I love connecting with people. So please reach out, say hi.

Tanya Gill: 00:28:43

Reach out, say hi and get your hands on her book. Where can they access your book my friend.

Sarah Willoughby: 00:28:50

They can go to my website. So Sarah willoughby.com.au forward slash infertility save my life. There's a there's a page for my book and you can order one of those I will send you a copy and send it off around the world. And, yeah, I really hope that my book reaches those people that need it.

Tanya Gill: 00:29:10

Thank you so much, my friends for sharing just as tiny piece of your beautiful story and inspiring our listeners. Infertility is a heartbreaking challenge for a lot of people. And with it comes a lot of emotion. A lot of physical, emotional and spiritual struggle. And and you provide some light in some of that darkness for those people. And, and also for those of us who have not had that struggle, but also but have people in our lives who have had that struggle. That's what I appreciate about it is that well, infertility has not been a challenge for me and I don't have a uterus and it will Nabil, I, I also recognize that, you know, this is something that doesn't just affect our friends, it affects our family, it affects our colleagues. And a lot of those people suffer in silence. And so this opens the door for different kinds of conversation. And the more we talk about it, and the more we invite those conversations, the healthier we will all be. And that's how we create the light. So, you know, I, you are your light maker, your light maker in the hearts and souls of people who have, you know, potentially started to or lost hope. So thank you, my friend. Do you have a closing piece of advice that you would give to someone who is in the throes of the challenge that is infertility? What is the one piece of advice that you would tell a woman who is struggling?

Sarah Willoughby: 00:31:08

Be kind to yourself, allow yourself to feel the emotions that you feel every emotion is completely valid. Don't try to dismiss how you're thinking and feeling. Don't place judgment on top of loss of hope, disappointment, anger, fear, frustration, or whatever you're going through. I tried to disown my anger in the process, because I felt like it wasn't very spiritual, to be angry. And anger didn't serve a purpose. But anger did serve a purpose. Anger always has a purpose. It's what we do with it and how we use that emotion but it can fuel us to really go out and seek the truth and be a better person and step up for others and be there for ourselves. So every emotion is valid. Be gentle with yourself, be kind. Trust yourself, trust your body. Be your best advocate. Always seek a second opinion if you're not happy with the medical advice that you're being given. And just do something every single day to fill you up. To show yourself that self love that you so richly deserve.