Moving Through Trauma to Thrive with Anna Ditchburn

Tanya Gill: 00:00:08

Hi friend, I'm Tanya Gill Welcome to lighten up and unstuck your What the fuck. Together, we explore the ways through life's stickiness moments, and how to live with more peace, joy, love and gratitude. We're going to talk honestly about what isn't easy so you can discover the light within you that will carry you forward. My friend, this podcast is about you in real life, your body, mind and soul, and the opportunity to not only live your best, but shine, doing it

Tanya Gill: 00:00:48

Welcome my friends to lighten up and unstuck. You're What the fuck? I am so grateful to share space today with my friend Anna Maydonova. She's the world's best life optimization coach and the host of the world's best Trauma Recovery podcast. Anna and I had the pleasure of meeting actually through her husband and we became very fast friends, partly because we have a story that is unfortunately, too common for too many of us. Anna, welcome to the show. Thank you for being here.

Anna Ditchburn: 00:01:28

Tanya, thank you so much. And thank you so much for having me here. It's such an honor.

Tanya Gill: 00:01:35

I absolutely adore you. And one of the things that I admire so deeply about you, my friend is actually your vulnerability. A lot of people talk about how much strength it takes to move through some of the things that you have. But what I see is how you have allowed yourself to be really truly vulnerable and share your story. Now, your story may come as a bit of a shock and a sting to some of our listeners. But this is your WHAT THE FUCK moment. And when you tell us about that.

Anna Ditchburn: 00:02:13

Absolutely, Tanya, and I can tell you, thank you so much for being vulnerable with me. Because what our listeners don't know what made us really close is, as you said, a very common story that we have. And because I was able to open up, it made you feel so open up to me. So I think this is the power of vulnerability. I just want to mention it. Because it's not just being open, you know, and receive judgment, it's about helping others to heal. And my story is not an easy to hear. But I think it's very important to know about. So literally, Everything started when I was four years old, when my biological father left our family and never returned. And imagine yourself a four years old child, when literally everything is just started to develop for you, your subconscious, your mind your beliefs, and then seeing what's happening around you. Your father just betrayed you abandons you, your mother is in in a huge depression. You have to grown up fast. And then you think no one loves me. Like no one needs me. There is no more happiness around around you. And so I had to grow very fast looking after my nine month old brother. And it was tough time. But you know what? I think it's it was one of the best moments in my life. We didn't have money, sometimes for food or even the electricity. So we will spend evenings in the darkness. And you know why I love those moments because my mom was putting us in the bed earlier. And she would lie down with us and sing a song, Tanya.

Tanya Gill: 00:04:50

Oh, that's so beautiful and so special.

Anna Ditchburn: 00:04:53

In the second you will understand why was the best time ever

Tanya Gill: 00:05:00

Are you gonna sing? No.

Anna Ditchburn: 00:05:04

I wish but I don't have such a beautiful voice like my mom. So, six years later, a knight in shining armor came into our life, my stepfather, and we thought, finally we have a protector in our life. But fast forward, he started to reveal his true colors. How horribly abusive and controlling and manipulative he was. We literally had to walk on eggshells all the time, Tanya. And when you think that things cannot get any worse, when I turned 15, he started sexually abusing me, which resulted in two pregnancies and into forced illegal abortions. And when I wanted to become a mom, because one abortion, they wished my reproductive system, I had 16 consecutive miscarriages, including two topic pregnancies. And one topic, nearly climbed my life in 2019. Now, I'm not telling you this story for sympathy, even though it sounds horrendous. Through my own healing journey, I realized that it wasn't, it wasn't my fault, what was happening to me, because it was a lot of shame and guilt, and pain, and especially anger associated with with this traumatic experience. My stepfather was threatening me and my family with our lives, if I ever revealed my story. And he inserted a lot of shame in me by saying, if you ever tell your mother, she will hate you, and she will expel you from the house. So I was keeping my secret for 20 years.

Tanya Gill: 00:07:32

And my friends, you know, I I just I want to take a moment. And first say I'm sorry, I'm sorry that this happened to you as a child before the age of four, and that parent suffocation, I now can see why those smuggling and songs were so precious, because it was a space of safety and love and connection. And, and that is the true abundance, you might not have been able to put the we have power or food on the table. But you had each other and you had love and safety.

Tanya Gill: 00:08:10

My friend I I really just want to hold space for you right now and say that, as you share this road of abuse and control that you experienced as a young, like really, I'm sorry, a 15 year old girl, that that is a child that is a child I understand in some countries, and in some cultures, some people think that's appropriate, we know it's not. And the degree to which you were victimized, and blamed and shamed. I think it's so important that people hear that because it's so easy for people to blame themselves. And to think that it is their fault. And then to continue on to believe that all of the challenges that you have had, for example, with conceiving and carrying a pregnancy, somehow are your fault because of what happened. And, and you know that you are here shows that this was not your fault. And it's really, it's beautiful that our listeners can hear your story. So, Anna, thank you. Thank you My love, please, please tell me how did you share your story? How did you come out about what was happening to you?

Anna Ditchburn: 00:09:37

It's a really amazing question. Because not many people asked me, How did I open up for the first time? You know, it was it wasn't a one moment. I think it was growing in me. I think this voice that I was suppressing with my stepfather was constantly suppressing me, wanted always to come out. And a few few things that led to this moment. Firstly, my partner when I met him, and then again talking about power of vulnerability, he was like an open book for me. Like, literally, before we met, he, he read somewhere, that honest honesty is the base of everything. So from the beginning, he was so honest and open with me and vulnerable. He didn't, he didn't leave any secret about his past life. I was like, really.

Tanya Gill: 00:10:49

I mean, I'm sure there are times when you probably not actually a little TMI, but like,

Anna Ditchburn: 00:10:55

literally, this is not solely on the no belts. But it was just like, dumping, you know, not dumping, but telling me, which was really cute, and I appreciate it. So and I saw this, this attitude of his how, how easy he can talk about his past. And for him, it was like literally drug addiction, smoking, drinking, gambling, sex, addiction, and philandering. And, you know, all this stuff. And I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, this is not, you know, people are talking about normally. So it was a huge moment for me. And I started to feel more relaxed, you know, around him or feeling more compelled to be more vulnerable with him. Because in my situation, especially in my culture, tiny if you tell something like this, and I think in many cultures as well, it's so shameful. Like, literally, it's, it will be your fault. So opening up for him, to him was a huge step for me. The second second part was when I was losing my pregnancies, one after another. And I'm sure women who, who had who experienced, at least one miscarriage will understand me. It's painful. It's painful, physically, and it's painful, mentally, and spiritually. But imagine one after another, and another. And when I had 11. And bear in mind, doctors could not find any physical reason for me to why I'm losing my babies. I then realized there is something something in me that is preventing me to become a mother. And I remember one day we were driving in the car, and my partner was talking about his mom. And how, how abusive she was, when he was noted. When she would, you know, hit him on the bum. And then I was thinking, if you telling me that your mother was abusive, for like, why until you hear about my stepfather the way how he was abusing me. And, and then they got scared. Like, What the fu CJ I just said, it was short for me. And then my partner, my partner just literally got hooked, like, hooked for this. He wanted to know more. So in a What do you mean? What's happened? Hold on. Did your father was abusing you? And then I said yes. And that was my very first moment. I told someone, I was sexually abuse. And it was the most beautiful and the best thing I've ever done, Tanya, honestly. And you know what, I understand that not many people will have partners or parents or friends that will take their experience on such a beautiful way.

Anna Ditchburn: 00:14:49

So in this situation, I would really invite you to think who is the person who can understand me you Don't look for these people. Look for someone who had a similar experience like you that you can just open up the chicken just talk to, because the more you hold it inside, the more it eats you from inside. And not people would understand it. It was like me, Tanya, I thought I dealt with that. I just, you know, fully put it deep down and forget forget. Yeah. And then move on. And, you know, I was living a normal life. I was going for a walk. I was taking my dog out for a walk. I was driving the car, I was seeing my friends. I was having a good life. Like, on the surface. I looked like I have it all together. Yeah. Yeah. But deep inside, I was getting destroyed with a crippling feelings of shame, guilt, pain, anger, fear of judgment was like, literally eating way. I was so fearful of everything.

Tanya Gill: 00:16:16

And Anna, you know, what is so interesting about what you described, as you know that people, I think that we often think that if it's in the past, it should stay in the past, and we don't have to deal with it. Or we can just put it in a little jar and put it on the shelf. And we'll just let it be there. And we'll just continue to go on with our lives. And, and so often, we don't even realize the weight, the impact, the intensity, the physical, mental and spiritual heaviness, that comes from not speaking our truth and not living authentically. So as you were talking about your partner, and how he lives so authentically, there's like, yeah, there's a lot of freedom in that. And, and oh my god, my friend. The moment that you had the gift of sharing your truth out loud for the first time. You know, I, you described it as beautiful and I I completely understand that. Because it's like, it's like it, the the more voice you give it, the less power it really has.

Anna Ditchburn: 00:17:41

Spot on. But on Tanya, and it's not so scary, and it's not so shameful anymore. It's amazing. I think the more we keep it inside, the bigger the fear is growing. You know, it's like a secret. It can be a really small childhood secret. I don't know, I steal candy from Mom's drawer. Just remember yourself. I don't know back in three or four years old, you steal this candy and then you've eaten it. And then oh my goodness, like this, this fear If mom finds out what's gonna happen and then it becomes vegan, vegan, vegan vegan and you just going poof? Crazy. You just you literally you're so fearful of stealing some something in your adulthood life because you remember those huge emotions of fear. That's how our trauma is running our whole life. Absolutely. It doesn't have to be something really traumatic for huge. It can be as simple someone abandoned you, you know, neglected you emotionally. It's also a trauma. And all this traumas and beliefs, they usually forms before we turn age seven. And imagine like your subconscious and all those negative beliefs when you grown up, your life is literally running on the self subconscious beliefs. Everything you learn after as an adult, like, you know how to drive wasn't if Yeah, they just don't go into the subconscious because they can't break this critical thinking which is already developed at the age seven. So that's why just forget and move on doesn't work.

Tanya Gill: 00:19:51

Well, especially because the subconscious often tells us stories about our value, our worthiness, our importance and Our you know, our possibilities, right? Those stories around who we are in the world get so formed at that age. And then you're right, then we go into conscious living learning how to drive and learning how to bake a birthday cake. And you know how to figure out how to date online, or whatever it is. And we still got exactly that story running in the background. And so how do you live your life without letting any of your past run the story?

Anna Ditchburn: 00:20:38

It's a such a good question. Such a good question. I'm not perfect yet. It's still, I will be honest, it's still there. It's still there. But for me, being able to recognize all my demons, being able to get back to my childhood, get back into this moment when my sexual abuse started. And even before when I was abandoned, facing all those demons really helped me to understand, really helped me to learn what other situation would have given me for. So instead of being fearful of those situations, I honestly, I extracted some really valuable lessons from it. And they can give you an example, Tanya, I would love that friend. When, when I was four years old, when my father left, I remember, I decided that I have to do everything myself. There is no help coming. I can't ask for help. And it was running my life, literally, you know, it was happening. I, I was trying to do everything myself. Whether it's work, I couldn't say no to people. So I will take more and more and more and more work just to you know, prove I can. And I would end up with having so much stuff on my plate. And I couldn't ask for help. Because I had this belief that there isn't there is no one can help me. I have to do everything myself. And when I when I realized what am I doing to myself, and where this is coming from, I was able to finally to change this belief. To know, ask for help. So you not appear weak, but you remain strong, as my dear friend Les Brown said. So by being by being con, consciously unconscious, by being conscious about all those limiting beliefs, you can finally change them. Because unless you don't know what to change the way you think we bet. So that's how it really changed my life. Now I'm creating my life I'm consciously creating.

Tanya Gill: 00:23:35

And then conscious creation. I mean, this is a this is a really important conversation to have. And because you know, because you have a you have a trauma recovery podcast. So you talk about trauma. And so people think, oh my god, it must be so heavy. It must be so. And it isn't. It's about being real and authentic about your story. It's about really being authentic about your perfectly imperfect journey. Right? And I mean, I love it. You said I'm not perfect. No kidding. Because if you said you were perfect to my friend, there's no fucking way you'd be here. You know, I, what I love is that you just embrace that what comes with life comes with life. And by living authentically and not having to hide behind secrets. You then have an opportunity for richer relationships, connections, experiences,

Unknown: 00:24:38

you want me to comment

Tanya Gill: 00:24:41

for you to comment? How much time do we have? I know we've got a couple more. You know what, let's let's just talk a couple more minutes about that because I know your life has exploded since you spoke your truth. And I think that people have to understand that there are two two elements number one, it doesn't mean everybody's going to number one One believe you number two, give a shit that this is your case, or number three even want to associate with you after they hear your truth. And it's really about what you as a person chooses to do with that, my personal feelings on it are that I choose to speak and live in my truth. And for those who do not accept it for me as a result, I still continue to hold them in love and light, I still continue to recognize that for them, my story maybe hurts them, or has them questioning some parts of their lives and their story. And that's part of their healing journey. But at the end of the day, it does not change my love. And that's, that is my personal bottom line. Because what because one of my core values is love. And so, you know, I, it's, I just think that our listeners are in a really unique opportunity to learn about how you've moved through those pieces and thrived to the degree that you have in your authenticity. Anna,

Unknown: 00:26:13

I'm so glad you asked me this question.

Tanya Gill: 00:26:17

Because

Anna Ditchburn: 00:26:20

honestly, I have no idea. But I do have, you know, you know, in those situations, and you're right, Tanya, when people hear the name of my podcast, they think oh my god, this is gonna be so heavy and blah, blah, blah. It's, it's heavy, but it's very valuable for people to know, to relate and recognize themselves if they have some of those elements in their lives, traumatic experiences that hold them back from living a truly happy life. And now explain to you like, what how is it possible? It is possible. And when when you ask me this question, how I don't have an action plan, like you need to do this, this. I think what are what's happened with me was first, I realized that even having everything materialistic on the surface, I still didn't feel fulfilled, and truly happy inside, like it was something is missing, you know, this feeling like, I have everything housekeys husband, job, but there is something really missing a huge piece of me. So I was feeling this, this really deep inside. And I realized I recognize that. Finally, I was like, Whatever, whatever. But then I start listening to my my feelings. And my voice was was telling me I remember I was sitting in front of my laptop working my five to nine, job nine to five. And then the voice was telling me and this is not your life. This is not your life. And I was like huh, bullshit like, this is no this is what I love my job. What are you talking about? And then the next day this voice came back, but a bit louder. And then it became louder and louder. And it was so loud that I couldn't ignore it anymore. And so I decided, okay, hold on, then what is my life and as soon as I realized that I want something more I know I am my potential Kimbo you know, something bigger. So it was my first step. The second step was I decided I needed to change my life. I decided to transform and if you're listening to me, or my dear listener, our dear listeners and think Yeah, but I don't know what to do. I don't know, like, what is my best and what is maybe you don't have to do it right now. So my stored

Tanya Gill: 00:29:43

action plan.

Anna Ditchburn: 00:29:45

My first step was I just decided how I want to feel.

Tanya Gill: 00:29:51

Fucking Amen sister. Fucking Amen.

Anna Ditchburn: 00:29:57

Exactly. I didn't I didn't Oh, what I'm gonna do, I had no idea Tanya, I knew that I want to talk to about my story publicly, like, no way.

Tanya Gill: 00:30:11

Like fucking Amen, sister because that's exactly what it is. Create the awareness like, notice the void, notice the missing puzzle piece, stay open to what's coming at you and look around and allow yourself to see possibilities instead of confinement. And then, oh my god, Anna, like, deciding how you want to feel like that is massive. And I'd like I just, I'm vibrating as you say that because that's exactly it. In fact, that can be the very first thing, decide how you want to feel, have some awareness around how you're feeling. And then take one tiny step, what I love, Anna, is that what you described has been an incredible shift in your entire life, your perspective, your relationships. And all of it has come from those pieces of awareness, deciding how you want to feel. And truly recognizing that authenticity is finding your puzzle pieces and owning them.

Anna Ditchburn: 00:31:23

Exactly. And you know, tiny, you don't need to know necessarily how to do this. Because as soon as you decide the moment you decide, I'm going to change, I want to feel myself truly happy, fulfilled. All I knew is I want to have a free time, a lot of free time. That's all I knew. I have a lot of free time right now. And it's not because I'm not working, but because I don't feel like I'm working. Honestly, this is not work for me. And it's, you know, what's gonna happen? The universe, God, or whoever you believe it will start slowly shifting things around you. And the opportunities will start coming out from nowhere, the right people will start coming from nowhere, like you will be thrown into the situation like you were you might not even understand why why the situation has given you for. So for me, for me, it was I was working at the biggest Australia, New Zealand bank back in Melbourne in Australia. And I wasn't going to resign because I didn't know what I'm gonna do. But through my healing journey, I finally had the courage to tell my mom, what was happening to me in September 2021. And she was the hardest person for me to tell Tanya and you will I know you always night with me. I do. Because again, the shame that she gonna hate me. And it was the scariest thing to lose my mom, we were so close. But you know what, I've decided to do this because I couldn't hold this to myself anymore. And when I told her she, her reaction was exactly the same as I was hoping for, for the whole mine life. So he became a mama bear. She became so protective over me. And she asked me, no, why didn't you tell me before? And I said, Mom, I thought you're gonna hate me. She said, even if the whole world will be against you. I will always stay by your side and timeout. 20 years of my life just flashed in front of my eyes. And I thought, oh my goodness, why I've been waiting for so long to tell you. And she straightaway pressed a criminal charges against my stepfather. And I had to go to Russia to testify against him. And I had to leave the country and sign the agreement in Australia that I won't be coming back for three months because it was like a middle of international travel band. And I had to take six months off from my job and within this time When I was in Russia, I've realized something. I'm not coming back to my job. I'm not. And my story was picked up by biggest magazine in my hometown, and published, and it went viral. And I left my email address in the article saying, girls, if you have no one to talk to send me an email. And Tanya, hundreds of emails just exploded my inbox. And one particular email struck me the most a girl became pregnant from your father, at 16 years old. She was short, so ashamed to tell who is the father of your child, that she had to leave the house and spend some nights under the bridge with a newborn baby, just because she didn't have any place to go. And her friends just turned around, not understanding. Like, it's your fault. You know, you got pregnant, you had fun. No one knew. And I thought,

Anna Ditchburn: 00:36:12

Oh, my goodness, how many people out there are still afraid to tell their stories. And then I decided, I want to become the biggest voice for those for those women, for those men and children. And that's how my podcast got was born, World's Best Trauma Recovery Podcast. Because I wanted to provide a safe space for people to open up. And I think this is probably a good time to explain why what's this world's best is about. And it's not an ego thing. This is my commitment to myself, to make it the world's best to make it's so good to make it so open and so safe for people to listen to those stories to open up. And it's my commitment to myself to grow and develop and learn. Because every morning I wake up, and I asked myself, How would the world's best life optimization coach conduct yourself? Or how would the world's best Trauma Recovery podcast host conduct yourself. Because if you don't, if you if you don't lift yourself up, no one is gonna do this for you. So once you decide, the universe will throw you in a situation where you will find your niche or niche. This is my story. And I think

Tanya Gill: 00:37:58

you know, when I think it's true that it is true, the more clarity you get on what you want out of life, the more those things, those things come for and with you as you live your life unquestionably. And I do really appreciate the world's best qualifier because, you know, I don't see it as ego but I know you I end it is really about how do you want to show up in the world. And the more clear you get about how you want to show up in the world. And the more clear you get around how you want to interact in your relationships and, and what direction you want your life to go. Right? The more opportunities seem to just come your way. And, and because life is perfectly imperfect. It doesn't mean that you live a life free of trauma, or challenge or being stuck in a dead end job or having to deal with traveling during travel bans. I mean, at the end of the day, all of the things still seem to conspire to this moment right here right now. And that's a gift. And I know that our listeners are going to want to have more conversation with you and to any of our listeners who have experienced abuse. Please share with someone you love, share with a therapist or a professional who can assist you. And definitely make sure you're connecting with Anna's podcast I'll make sure that all of the information of course is in the show notes. Anna, do you have one last closing message for our listeners my love

Anna Ditchburn: 00:39:52

yesterday, though? You know what I through my own healing journey Only I've realized something which is really important is and is very real. I've realized that we live our lives, not as it is, we'll leave our lives as we are and who we are. So the way we live our life is the outcome of the story we tell ourselves. And my story was that I am I am a victim, I have to be perfect. So everyone likes me. I have to behave I have to you know, if I just love people more, if I just you know, dress better, then my life will be good. Now, it doesn't work like this. Once I was able to face my demons and change my story, my life became so wonderful. And I know it's possible and they know you can do it

Tanya Gill: 00:41:06

is possible and we all can do it to our listeners are so lucky to have been able to have time with you again. Anna, you are a beautiful human. I love you. I adore you to our listeners. You could spend time anywhere. Thank you so much for spending time with lighten up and unstuck your What the fuck? Please make sure you check out the shownotes there's a special gift there for you from me. Have a beautiful day from my heart to yours.

Anna Ditchburn: 00:41:38

Thank you, Tanya.

Tanya Gill: 00:41:39

Thank you, babe. Oh, you're the best